I guess I could pretend i don't care about the past eight years going to shit, but i do. however, I have found my own ways to be happy, whether or not you agree with them.
I don't need school. I don't need to be "successful" in the real world. It's not like you ever thought I could be anything anyway.
I'm not going back next semester. I don't see myself going back next fall either. maybe in a few years i'll look at myself and decide i need to turn my life around, but for now, i'm just doing what fits. i'm sorry you cant accept that.
I honestly don't know what to say to you anymore. so maybe it's better that we're ending. I just think it's kind if funny how you disappeared as soon as things with shawn went to shit. maybe you were hoping he would change me and make things go back to the way they used to be. whatever. I lost myself a long time ago.
so let's end this call and end this conversation there's nothing worse... I swear, you have no idea The jealousy that became me thinking that you always had it way too easy
Best friends means you pulled the trigger Best friends means I get what I deserve
It's weather like this that makes me miss my camera more than ever.
I'm back at the house for break. I don't really know if that's a good or a bad thing. It's nice to sleep in my own bed but I'm definitely missing the freedom. I'vebeen asleep all day. Just went outside for a cigarette. It's fucking beautiful. The way the light is hitting the snow is just.. damn. it's perfect.
I've been throwing pieces of myself everywhere lately. I can't even begin to tell you how fucking confused. happy. sad. i am.
"Let's eat it--AND smoke it!"
I need to get the fuck out of this town. I might be slightly losing my mind. I'm going through boys so quickly I guess i'm too insane to be with anybody for long. and i've somewhat been taking pride in that.. Damn right you can't handle me, motherfucker! but it's starting to suck. oh well. nothing lasts forever. I can't expect it to.
dkfsdsflkdfasdga we just went to circle k. and shit. andf shit shit shit shit we're going camping. at hueston woods dude. with rob--our 100% bonafide circle k worker. and paul. and leannne. and joey p. and joe and anna. and everybody. ryan. he will be the camp administrater. love it! busy! leave me alone dude. monsters and people in back rooms that nobody likes. we'll smoke with them. and go camping. and cool hats. all from jamaica. eeeeeeeee i love it. we're going. we're going camping. dude i'm a fucking elf. aand with my hair and my green shirt i fucking am! clock keeps changing. it's gone. he drowned. it's raining. chains. chaiiiiins. i have a wonderful feeling inside of me. hallow's eve is my motherfucking day. squabbles! yay. i'm thinking of cherries and sundays and other delicacies. of poodles! everyone is you. you are you. we don't know. whon't! you -be-my- car (bride)!!? I want it. it's out front. I really enjoy lolly pops. they're tickling me! eehheee! ohhhhhhwowowowoowowowowowowoowwoow we are a musical.and going camping with rob because we just saw him and he's cool as fuck! and ambien and coke and weed and adderall and acid and everythign we can get our GRUBBY grubby paws on. substances all around. we pass. we smoke. we toke. we get fucked up. it's a cycle. bookshoops and crows are where wespend quality family time in my brick house. our muppet house. and rob and joe and amanda and me and meeesa (duhhh) and paul and leanne will display their lack of common sense. and emolay if she gets her ass up here. for once. possibly. maybe so. and anyone else who wants to come. it will be peace. it will be war. it will be beautiful. and pepe will make us baloney sandwiches withe no bread. and it will alarm us! for the baloney is destined to blow up as a fucking penguin. and then we're eating all these penguin sandwiches. and it's classy as motherfucking fuck. yes. yes.. multiples. writing. reading. being. breathing. i feel it. the walls will swirl! the walls will fall! and it's open. and moving. and changing. just like the seasons. and our campout. with rob and us (me and meesa) and paul and leanne who display no common sense. at all allllll alllll i love them . and bruce would might not be an addition. but he may be. you never know. we're all here. we're all camping. body is a fortress. with the red team in there. and the green team in there. mountain dew is either in my vagina or my boobies. and it's eeating her souuulI!!!! diamonds. swirls. we'll make it a campout. we'll go camping. i'm liquid melting. melting down to waxious nothings. "they're all floatin up man! look at em! wow!" snnnaakes and they're all in line for kings island. i have a sudden urge to release the urine liquid substance forming in my bladder. bladder. pee. pee. pisssssssssssss s s s s s s.s s.s s.s s.s s.s! super market worms and pigs and the iron chef. he guts animals. i love animals. i hate people who gut them. i want to seriously own a puppy and give it care. caaree for everything. dude.i love the world and everyone it it. my thoughts are profound. but they don't seem to translate properly. I am a cloud. I am a buzzard. pecking at my half-rotted prey. i swarmm over the dead racooons. they're half rotted. and yet. i still swarm. i peck at them. but they are not my meat. my meat is in within my self. i am digesting my very own body. as well as this half-rotted raccoon business. it's going to hell mr fingers. we must watch salad fingers. we're all in coffins and wearing dresses. and moving and turning around. and facing us but never facing us. they're not ffacing us. there are eskimos. they are not freezing. not at all. they're in the amazon. grass reeds and light. reflected in the water is the light. I am not yet tempted by the water. a shark might possibly prey apon my vulture status. who will win? the vulture or the shark? I'm thinking the shark has an advantage. yet the buzzard is free to fly away home when he gets tired of fighting. he would rather just settle down for some tea. the tea of the evening is beautiful. my buzzard is quite ordinarily satisfied.i am a buzzard. i am my buzzard. i am buzzing inside of me. the buzzing won't yield for a moment. the bottom light is being covered my a coffin. pigments and then golf channel. and then it was paused. and she saw the green and she saw the white and the flag and people standing. and i saw the stand. i have a pinkley dinkely in my bladder. it is pleeing to be released! it has been held captive in my prison for far far far too long. realease! release! don't piss your pants! realease! teleport the urine to the toilet. don't die. just fright, just fright is all you need. don't fucking tell me about my eskimos. i know where they are. the amazon is no place for a snow monkey! switch them with the porch monkeys. take the eskimos back to alaska! we're going to make lemonade when we go camping. and ryan is going to give me cocaine. and it willl be lovely. lovely. SPLENDIDLY OUTLANDISHLY loverly. but what of the urine?! my bladder is far to full. don't laugh. don't cough. don't shake. don't even botehr. rob is my fater. he eats at circle k and then makes everything right in the world. i don't know how else it owuld be. he will do it. and come camping with us very soon. soooon soon soon soon soon. we'll trip. we'll eat acid. we'rll eat ecstasy. and do lines. lines of coke. and the warm blanket made me become oh so suddenly aware of the sharp stingning in my feet that is the cold. the cold from the night that we just expierienced. it is fabulous. fablouts. shadowww popping with me. over here ober there. my spleen is popping everywhere. as if my spleen juices decided to be poprocks for halloween. the needles anre in under my spleen. the spleen juice needs nettles. and was provoked very much so by the nettles. it's alllll apple. apple salvia. i wonder if the salvia would be apple. or suppossedly this spectrum decides to stand up. walk across the hall and take a leak. and then smmoooke two blunts in our wake and bake brick house. my sealion is roaring! growl! GROWL!!! MOTHERFUCKER. gophers and frogs beware. the sealion is at your ass. and above it. dont' lose it. don't ever fuck it up. I need eggs! fuck baloney. the sealion won't have anyof it. we must keep him entertained in a chamberlain and then we'll talk about babies and anal lions who smite the sea salts and sea lions. no tigers alowed. ever. at all. fuck tigers. they are satan spawn. but we enjoy them at the dinner plate. crazy shit's going on with that balloon. i am at a loss of words my bladder monkey is being punched over and over and it's SCREAMING let me out! but i will resist! I WILL PREVAIL! FUCK BLADDERS. i enjoy the noise that sounds wierd. and then there are lip rings to be discussed. they sound wierd. its DISGUSTING. it must me. ambulance! emergency! PLAY HOUSE. doctor. doctor. doctor my ddadd is beating me. he won't touch me. he just looks at me and if i'm naked he won't go away. condescending. you are. you are. it's awfully awful. i hear the buzzing chimes of a cell phone being rung. nasal cavities. dripping. dripping in nostril gravity. parking spots. special streets. not special parking lots. we're goign to park in the the parking lot it seems. so the parking garage does not need a pass. not at morris. we'll change it. so she doesn't get a ticket. she won't get a ticket. and it will not be here. thank you for calling. we'll do it. A call to arms! Soldiers! aim fire! do not let them stamp that fucking ticket!!! thank you for calling. thank you. we will park. and all of them will not be silly. we're moving the car before the street ticket police abolish it. we will not be abolished. we'll be parking in a huge huge huge parking lot. by my dorm. morris's parking lot. we'll call back after we repark. so help me father! cleaning and doing homework all weekend.
I'm being stalked by a boy with the i.q. of a slab of dead bird. I told him it wouldn't work out between us. and yet. he STILL thinks he has a chance and calls 5-10 times a day and texts even more asking me to come see his dense ass. He keeps saying I'll like him once i "get to know him." I know well enough by now that i can't be with someone who shoots animals for fun, and doesn't care about music. or someone who can't carry on an intelligent conversation. Or someone who doesn't know that being a vegetarian means you don't eat any meat... "Are you tellin' me you don't even eat chicken?! No shiiiit!???"
However, I'm sure, by now, you're sick of hearing about it.
Good talk on the roof with meesa last night.
warped tour in indy on tuesday was excellent. We got lost both ways. I met mark from the unseen. Parkway Drive put on an amazing show! The crowd was awesome for them--People were doing stage dives and some kid got up on top of the crowd and just ran up to the front over people's heads. Poison the Well played really well, but the crowd was pretty lame, and Kiersten threw up during their set. Tiger Army, Lower Class Brats, Throwdown, Family Force Five, and the Unseen=great shows. Alkaline Trio kind of sucked. I was very let down. We had to leave before as i lay dying and bad religion played, because kiersten was starting to feel sick again, but it was well worth the trip.
I'm back from idaho. I can't say i didn't have any fun at all.. but it wasn't the most enjoyable time i've ever had in my life. It's good to be back to say the least.. free from the virtually insane clutches of the mormon relatives. I can dress, speak and act the way i want with out fear of being chastised or even disowned by half of my family. Thank god for my cousin, MaryAnne, or i don't know if i would have made it through the reunion. And they don't even know the half of it. What the hell happened to my dignity? The plane ride back was full of cancelations and delays. we had to spend the night in O'hare airport becuase we missed our connecting flight. They gave everyone cots to sleep on, but at 4am, the security gaurds came in and starting banging on them yelling, "this is your 4:00 AM WAKEUP CALL! EVERYBODY UP!" They wouldn't even let us keep the blankets. Bitches. Two more of our flights out were cancelled, and the third one that actually managed to take off was delayed 2 hours. When we finally got home they had lost our luggage. Damn.
and now. I have food poisoning. Fabulous. I've been throwing up for the past 24 hours. never eat burger king.
Spring break is almost over. I think i want to cry. It's been pretty good. Brief overview:
Friday--Went prom dress shopping with kiersten and selene. I didn't get a dress, but i did get 3 pairs of underwear..
Saturday--International Film Festival with Osh and meesa. then back to meesa's to play disney princess paddle ball.. then meesa and i saw grindhouse which was fucking amazing. Go see it if you haven't already.
Sunday--i can't remember what the fuck i did sunday
monday--hung out with joey
tuesday-hung out with joey and then saw Grindhouse again with him and meesa.. who sprained her ankle by the way
wednesday-hungout with joey
thursday-Got lost on the freeway... and then hung out with joey (surprise!) and meesa and emolay and tiffonayyy for a little while. I hadn't seen either of them in forever. Especially Emolayy and it was cool to hang out with her again.
Friday-Hung out with joey all day and then saw Aqua Teen Hunger Force with meesa, chapin, and Emolayyy.
In all this time being away from livejournal i realized i never wrote anything about seeing DDRAGONFORCE!!! in march. aaaaa. It was one of the best nights of my life. Great concert, with great people to accompany me. Rode up to columbus with Corey, Joey, and Meesa. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better group to spend 3 hours in the car with.
Dragonforce, dude. They were kind of drunk by the time they played, so they weren't always together, but it was still awesome... and Herman fucking Lee! Of course there was also Killswitch, He is Legend, and Chimera (who sucked ass) but yeah it was a fantastic show.
Afterwards we were all really hungry, so we stopped at a waffle house that was close to the interstate. And who do we see but schuylar croom, of he is legend, coming in to eat a southwest platter! The cool thing is that he came up to us first and complimented Corey on his shirt. We got his autograph and talked to him a little. He was really fucked up, but he was staying at the hotel next door and was hungry. The rest of his band was too tired to come to eat with him. so that was pretty cool.